The Imp at War. Part 2. The Tick

Mean and Angry Imp of the Wilderness
The Nightmare, Henry Fuseli (1781)

These days the rural environment contains few non-human lethal hazards, although there are plenty of really annoying ones, both human and otherwise. In my humble opinion, the number and kinds of biters and blood-suckers seems a bit overdone ... deer ticks, dog ticks, chiggers, deer flies, several brands of mosquito (some imported), vampire bats, la chupacabra. The Imp dispatches these things to inflict persistent, low-level attacks on humanity. It's rare to return from a hike or forest excursion without multiple bites of one kind or other, sometimes with a buggy perp still clinging and jabbing away. Here I deal with one of the weirdest and most insidious of The Imp's contrivances, both from a personal perspective and from the perspectives of various crazy people.

The Hives

One night in June 2015, I woke up at about 11PM. The tops of my feet were itching like crazy. As I became more alert, I noticed that I was actually pretty itchy everywhere; my feet just happened to be yelling the loudest. The bathroom light revealed an incredible eruption of hives. I had experienced run-of-the-mill hives before— localized patches of small reddish bumps—that, for me, usually make an appearance after working around junipers or horse manure. But these had gone nuclear; reddish sheets and blotches were especially prominent wherever clothes had pressed against skin during the day. Shoes, socks, belt and trouser knees were now depicted as pink, puffy patches, with smaller islands, islets and spots scattered elsewhere. I had become the dermatological equivalent of the Shroud of Turin.

The Shroud of Turin

It seemed to be an allergic reaction, but to what? After reconstructing the day's events, only one thing seemed out of the ordinary. I had cut PVC planks using an electric miter saw as part of a small carpentry-like project. I had never dealt with PVC in this way before. Like wood, it throws off a lot of sawdust, and it goes everywhere. I surmised that smithereens of PVC had penetrated my clothing and had been held in close contact to my skin during the day. So, I took a shower to remove any hypothetical PVC dust that might still be lingering, and, if nothing else, the warm water seemed to reduce the itching. I took a couple antihistamine pills and within an hour or so, I began to feel better. The next morning, there was no indication that anything had been amiss.

Urticaria or Hives (not mine, but similar)

Given that the outbreak could be controlled with antihistamines, rather than a trip to the ER, I decided to test my idea. So, the next day I cut some more PVC and cleaned up the sawdust, with the expectation that I would have another outbreak sooner or later.  Well ... nothing happened. Maybe the hives had been a one-off thing, a fluke. Hope springs eternal. Anyway, I got a good night's sleep.

I spent most of the following day in my office, with the whole hives episode fading from my mind. I made no contact with PVC dust, residues or smithereens. That evening around 8 or 9, my gut started feeling a little sour, nothing too dramatic but somehow different from previous gastric sensations. (I think that my memoir will be entitled Intestinal Discomforts I Have Known. Taking dyspepsia as metaphor, the title encompasses many people, places and events. You know who you are.). As I removed my shoes and socks in preparation for dreamland, the skin on my feet and ankles began to puff up and redden, as if the hives had been held in check only by clothing. The itching started. While waiting for relief from another dose of antihistamines, I surfed the web for information on unexplained nocturnal hive attacks.

It turns out that hives are brought on by all sorts of things, from being a little agitated to goiters to having cancer. (Thanks for the diagnosis, WebMD.) However, I ran across something bizarre and absurd, but it seemed to fit my situation. There was a growing awareness in the medical community of an allergy to red meat ... beef, pork, lamb ... but not chicken, turkey, fish or invertebrates. The allergy was most common in the southeastern states but was popping up in many places. The condition is unusual in being a reaction to a carbohydrate rather than a protein and for occurring several hours after the allergen is consumed rather than a few minutes, as in most food allergies. Some folks are so sensitive that they experience anaphylaxis. The real kicker ... and this is where The Imp comes in ... the condition is apparently caused by tick bites, especially the bite of the Lone Star Tick, Amblyomma americanum. I had eaten red meat on the hive nights, and I had experienced a vicious and unprovoked attack by a tick not long before all this started.

The Lone Star Tick and its Distribution in the United States

I remember the tick well, but not fondly. I had been mucking around in the great outdoors one morning but kept doing stuff at work for the rest of the day without changing clothes. Preparing for a shower that night, I noticed a tick stuck to my waist, right where my belt makes its tight and gravity-defying contact. The tick was as flat as a piece of paper and seemed to be dead, although I took no pulse nor did I attempt resuscitation. It probably attached in the morning while I was up and walking around, but as I did things during the day ... sitting down, standing up, bending, etc... I was periodically compressing and liquefying the ticks innards and propelling the resulting slurry into my skin through the tick's mouthparts, which served as a hypodermic needle. Despite the yuck factor, I held no ill will toward the tick. In fact, I plucked it gingerly from my torso and employed a celestial vortex to usher it to a heavenly host.

As you might expect, nothing good came from the bite. I developed no tick superpowers, such as infinite patience or the ability to extract water from the air, to lay 5000 eggs all at one sitting, or to crawl up someone's leg unnoticed. (I have repeatedly tested each without success.) I did get what I thought was a localized infection, which I self treated. I passed a sewing needle through the flame from a Bic lighter, jabbed the needle into the afflicted area a few times and then tipped a bottle of 50% isopropyl alcohol on it. It was painful, but that's how you know its working. (Am I right, guys?) This is standard first aid in the homeland. A band aid and a couple days of ignoring it, and I was as right as rain. Oh, yeah... except for not being able to eat red meat. Not sure this qualifies as a superpower, though.

Once Upon a Time: The Alpha-Gal Story

Alpha-Gal. For you, the term may conjure mental images of high-school social hierarchies, harems and office politics... or maybe not. For me, it's shorthand for galactose-alpha-1,3-galactose, the molecular culprit behind this hives business. The discovery of the link between alpha-Gal, mammalian meat allergy (MMA) and tick bites was itself a peculiar process.

galactose-alpha-1,3-galactose

In 2004 two companies began clinical trials for cetuximab, a new biologic chemotherapy drug for metastatic colon cancer. During or shortly after intravenous infusion, some trial patients experienced anaphylactic reactions, some of which were fatal. These sad results occurred primarily in trials conducted in southeastern states. One publication noted that hypersensitivity to cetuximab occurred in less than 3% of trial patients nationwide but in about 20% in Tennessee and North Carolina. Subsequent research showed that galactose-like oligosaccharides are among the components of cetuximab and that antibodies against them already existed in patients that had experienced anaphylaxis. Something in the environment of the southeastern states was causing people to produce antibodies against alpha-Gal.

Researchers at the University of Virginia noted a correlation between the geographic distribution of the alpha-Gal allergy and emerging reports of allergies to red meat. Standard skin prick tests for allergic sensitivity to alpha-Gal and mammal meat extracts produced reactions, but they were technically too feeble to be considered positive. The researchers challenged patients more directly by injecting these materials under the skin and got significant results. So, a link between allergy to alpha-Gal and an allergy to meat was certainly possible, if not likely. 

It turns out that alpha-gal occurs in the tissues of essentially all mammals, except Old World simians; that is, African and Asian monkeys, apes and (yes, Reverend) humans. So, the good news is that baboon brisket, chimp chops and cannibalism remain dining options. The bad news: no more beef, pork, whale, armadillo, badger, rat, sloth, manatee, etc. Interestingly, the meat allergy problem (or, more likely, the medical profession's awareness of the problem) had been growing very slowly in the southeastern United States, where it was first reported in 1989 by researchers in Georgia. And the source of the alpha-Gal in cetuximab? Probably the the mouse-derived cell-lines used in its production.

The link between tick bites and red-meat allergy in the US was made by immunologist Thomas Platts-Mills. Was this a case of brilliant deduction by a uniquely developed mind? Maybe. But he was also bitten by ticks while hiking and then developed the meat allergy. This serendipitous event led researchers to look at ticks more closely. An examination of maps from the Centers for Disease Control showed an interesting association between the distribution of meat allergy, cetuximab sensitivity and regions with a high incidence of ... drum roll ... Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever, a dangerous disease caused by a bacterium that lives in ticks. In addition, interviews with alpha-Gal sensitive patients revealed that about 80% recalled having a tick bite some time before developing MMA. So, tick bites looked to be the most likely cause of alpha-Gal allergy, but it's still unclear which component or components of tick saliva or other bodily juices might cause it. Unfortunately, the tick most likely to produce alpha-Gal sensitivity is the Lone Star Tick, which has spread rapidly throughout the eastern United States over the last few decades from its original southeastern home, probably carried by deer, and bites people even as nymphs. And you can't escape the problem by moving to Australia or Europe. The same problem has cropped up at these places, although different ticks are involved.

Chiropractors Cure Mammalian Meat Allergy!

For those who are in love with hamburgers, bacon, barbecue and such, the fact that consummation may cause significant discomfort, hospitalization or death must be heart-breaking... while also being heart healthy. Personally, I was lukewarm on mammal meat, although I did enjoy an occasional trip to Famous Dave's. Of course, MMA does not instantly make one a cannibal or a vegan.  In fact, other than mammals, all creatures great and small can still be stuffed fearlessly into the ol' pie hole. Yet, folks with the alpha-Gal problem may wonder if they can ever again surrender to a Big Mac Attack.

Many publications and internet sites, even reputable ones, state that MMA may decrease or disappear on its own after several years, although this seems to be largely anecdotal. In fact, sensitivity seems to vary a lot over time. My latest personal experimentation with hamburger and other tasty contraband showed somewhat increased sensitivity, with lightheadedness and tinnitus now accompanying the onset of hives. Is there no hope?

Fear not. History shows that supply follows demand; where there's a will, there's a way; and a fool and his money are soon parted. Not long after MMA became a medical thing, the American entrepreneurial spirit was at the ready to offer cures, with the most remunerative ... I mean... effective being Neurological Stress Reduction Therapy (NSRT). This paramedical miracle combines some of the best homeopathic treatments listed on QuackWatch, including low-level laser therapy, acupuncture, biofeedback, herbal medicine and adder lubricants. And, good news, it's probably available at your local chiropractic clinic.

The theory behind NSRT is quite simple. Apparently, the hippies were right: bad vibes are a big problem. Your body's energy vibrations must be in sync to maintain a sense of well-being, man. Diseases and allergies generate off-beat disruptive frequencies  However, you can reset your vibes and get back into the groove. Open your mind, man! The trick is to find the frequency of the bad vibes and reprogram them by flickering a low-intensity hand-held red laser at that key frequency. It's simple destructive interference. Crack a physics book, man! A highly qualified chiropractic dude aims his laser at your acupuncture points. These are the points where deep energy vibes come up for air and can be strong-armed into whistling a new tune with Dr. Evil's "laser". Couple this with grape Kool-Aid, bioturbation and kale facials and you'll renew your gig with Mayor McCheese in no time. A few hundred bucks, and peace, love and expanded carnivory will be yours. Fight the establishment!

Check out this groovy info.

Where was she going with that laser?

Don't get any bright ideas about self treating and cutting corners, layman. The laser pointer you wield when giving presentations, entertaining kitty or blinding airline pilots won't cut the mustard ... which you'll be wanting on your first hive-free hotdog. Apparently, garden-variety laser pointers are not the right shade of red and would need a quadruple D battery with flux capacitor. There's no cheap way to wellness, man.

Actually, there is a long-shot possibility that MMA sufferers could be eating high on the hog one day. Researchers are genetically modifying pigs to eliminate alpha-Gal on cell-surface proteins in an attempt to decrease rejection rates of pig-derived tissue and organ xenotransplants. I suspect that whether this little GMO piggy goes to market depends on the bottom line. Will the breeders make more cash on life-saving transplantable pig parts alone or by adding non-allergenic bacon and pickled pigs feet to the product line? Economists and conspiracy theorists agree: scarcity is an essential factor for getting top-dollar for a biomedical product, and the economy of scale that comes with massive hog farms could endanger superduper pig-transplant profits. It's the same reason that the makers of the BAX 3000 and the NRG Immune Enhancement System don't make laser pointers. Medical science and quack science both take a backseat to the dismal science, man. And the rest of us get no roast beef and cry "wee wee wee" all the way home. Just sayin'.

The Illuminati, Plum Island & the Origin of MMA

The United Nations was created after WWII to foster world peace and social progress. Great idea! However, by the early 1950's, the UN had already became a front for the development of a New World Order (NWO). This was brought about by an organization of rich, power-mad ideologues, The Illuminati, who had infiltrated the UN at its highest levels by 1951. The prime objective of the NWO was and is to create economic conditions on the planet that would foster the continuation of the elite, their fortunes and their values, including significant reduction in the human population and a return to the preindustrial environment. Many of the major events of the past 60 years can be tied directly or indirectly to these goals and activities.

Funding for the first of the Illuminati's operations came from a surprising and ingenious source. Prior to 1951, Americans had to trim their finger and toe nails maybe once or twice a year, but then suddenly found it necessary to do this every week or so. This change corresponded with the "discovery" of biotin (vitamin H). No one had heard of this substance before 1950, but overnight it became an ingredient in TV dinners and remains a significant additive in most processed foods. It is well known that biotin enhances nail growth. (Consult your manicurist.) Neither biotin nor the modern nail-clipper design existed commercially before the early 1950s, but both were available instantly and in huge quantities at the same time. Coincidence? The sale of both biotin and nail clippers continue to earn billions for The Illuminati and their NWO agenda.

Meanwhile, The Plum Island Animal Disease Laboratory was established by the federal government of the United States in 1954, with the stated goal of protecting US livestock from infectious disease. Researchers, some of whom were former Nazi scientists recruited through Operation Paperclip, also conducted research on biological weapons aimed at crippling meat production by the USSR. Experiments were conducted using ticks as vectors for such diseases. These activities were revealed (to those with open minds, anyway) when experimental animals escaped their captors, drowned and began to wash up on the beaches of adjacent Long Island and Connecticut, the Montauk Monster being the most famous of these.

At some point in the 1960s, the Plum Island facilities were infiltrated by agents of The Illuminati and research was redirected toward developing tick-borne human diseases in an attempt to reduce populations through sickness and reproductive dysfunction, especially reduced sperm counts. The first release occurred in 1974 in Lyme, Connecticut, less than 10 miles from Plum Island, although it is still unclear whether the release was intentional or accidental. In any event, Lyme Disease was considered less than successful. The disease and its vector were discovered by the uninfiltrated medical community fairly rapidly, thereby reducing the intended impact. Learning from these mistakes, Illuminati scientists embarked on a more nuanced plan.

Due to their extensive experience with both bovine and human immunology and physiology, the Plum Island researchers were well aware that cattle have alpha-Gal sugars and humans do not. This led to a new program aimed at bioengineering ticks to deliver alpha-Gal to humans directly to the blood stream through tick bites, thereby bypassing the digestive tract, and causing the production of alpha-Gal antibodies in the human host. They reasoned further that the 3- to 5-hour delay between beef consumption and the onset of the allergic response would make the source of the allergy extremely difficult to detect. Once the system was developed, the scientists released it far from Plum Island. They air-dropped genetically modified ticks simultaneously over Georgia (USA), eastern Australia and northern Europe. In doing this, The Illuminati hoped to destroy the beef industry and thereby eliminate environmental degradation caused by excessive eating, drinking and farting by cattle.

The Illuminati have reacted in several ways to the 2004 discovery of the bioengineered ticks. Their plans to use the FDA to stop production of the BAX 3000 NSRT System, which is used by chiropractors and holistic healers to cure the meat allergy, failed when the system was rebranded as the NRG Immune Enhancement System and resumed production under a new company name. There was also an attempt to blame the militant vegan community for the development of the tick and the meat allergy, an accusation that the vegans deny. Finally, in desperation, The Illuminati have turned to violence in an attempt to stop the individuals who cure meat allergy. Indeed, many chiropractors and other holistic doctors have died since 2004.

"Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't after you."

                                                                                    - Joseph Heller, Catch-22

 Time to wake up people!

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The following video by investigative reporter, Melissa Melton, documents all the claims I have made in this section. Enjoy!